“The emotional and mental weight of it all is so heavy, so draining that I think being a mute wouldn’t be so bad.”

This is an excerpt from a past blog: This is My Confession. I think it’s the most vulnerable thing I’ve ever written. And I’m slowly starting to learn that the raw emotion of what I feel is better captured in my blog than it ever could be in a conversation – even with my closest friends. This what came to mind as I thought through today’s BlogHer post: What have you learned about yourself through blogging?

In conversation I wouldn’t be able to let my thoughts go where I want them to go – time would be cut short, my words would be misinterpreted. When I blog it’s just me, my feelings and my words and they can come as fast or slow as they want – there’s no interruption. I’ve learned that what I feel I can’t tell people in person usually comes out in my words. It’s my most comfortable language – and it’s not unheard of for me to write to my friends about something complicated rather than voice it.

I think a small part of me appreciates blogging because with having lupus I experience “lupus fog”, when your brain decides to check out on you. There’s nothing like the blank stare that follows after blacking out on a conversation and feeling that frustration when your words don’t come to you. 
 
 I’m learning that blogging is my therapy. Sometimes I like therapy – and apparently for the last seven months I didn’t since I didn’t type a word, ha! But I believe a good writer has a conviction about being honest with their words and a great writer won’t let themselves write from a place they’re not passionate about, haven’t felt or experienced.  Oh I tried, but I can’t fake the funk. I can mask my true emotions many ways, but not through writing. I think that’s why I had that long period where I didn’t blog because I honestly wasn’t ready to think through what was going on with me mentally and emotionally.

But here I am, dealing with it, blogging again – and these words won’t be muted.