Funny how disappointment makes you hyperaware of your present. The dirty dishes in the sink seem insurmountable, the kitchen floor begs to be mopped. I have this urgency to get my entire life together. I’m talking like sanitize the house, get my finances in order, plan for retirement and meal prep to–night, just to be in control of something since reality slapped me upside my head.
Last night we found out that Antione is not a match to be my kidney donor.
For the back story, check this out.
As soon as I was listed on the transplant list, Antione applied to be a possible donor. There was a lot of paperwork and more waiting. But there were new developments moving us closer. Like just a couple of weeks ago we found out that he has my same blood type: B+. We were excited, but cautious. When his living donor coordinator started making appointments for him to get further testing, I felt confident enough to share with close friends and family that this could be it.
I let down my guard of staying neutral, one of my coping mechanisms to avoid disappointment, and started having a small celebration inside my head. I could see and taste the win. It’s the same feeling I had during my middle school basketball games when all that was left was the final countdown to victory. The thrill of thinking that this phase of my life would soon be over made these mundane, 9-hour nights on the dialysis machine more bearable.
In my new optimism, I had already planned past the transplant and started mentally preparing for the recovery, when my husband let me know that he wasn’t a match. Being a kidney donor goes way beyond having a compatible blood type. The donor has to be healthy, with not even a hint of high blood pressure, their antibodies have to work with yours, and a battery of tests, medical and psychological, have to be completed before a donor is considered for transplant. We were right there until the doctors discovered in an X-ray that one of Antione’s kidney is in an unusual place that would make it dangerous to take out. Antione mentioned that it might be an issue before, but I thought modern technology could handle that obstacle.
I really wanted it to be him. We both wanted it. What a perfect testimony it would be! I would tell anyone who would listen that Antione and I being together was destined because God knew we’d be in this place. And look how he had worked it out for our good before we even knew the obstacles we’d face! Our testimony would draw people closer to God.
We prayed last night – knowing deep down, under the disillusionment, that God has his own plan and design on how he’s going to do this thing. We know hope will rise again after this blow. And we know even now our story of walking out the struggle and believing in God can and will draw those around us to God. But right now we are licking our wounds by doing what needs to be in the present – folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen – pausing in between to laugh about randomness in our work days and moving through the silence of our disappointment. This is how the Davises takes their lumps.
Wow this was refreshing to read, someone’s truth someone’s heart I love it.
I can relate to the having to keep busy cleaning cooking and focusing on the kids to keep from focusing on your health and how unreliable it is and the lack off resources there are to help me.
I will be praying for you and don’t loose hope because the truth is that God is bigger then all of this, and I understand that at times that is hard to hear and accept but for now that’s all we have, and that’s all we need.
Thanks so much for reading and your prayers!
Thank you for being an example of transparency and vulnerability. God pulls in directions we least expect don’t he?! May god continue to strengthen your faith!
Yes! God wants us in a place where we trust him and he can use anything to get us there. Thanks for reading!
Thanks to Blackdoctor.org I found this website, and I would like to tell a story about my Lupus.
My name is Sonja and I am a 54 year old African American woman, about two years ago I flew home to Atlanta Georgia to see my parents as I live in Las Vegas, Nevada, I was home for about two days and my feet and ankles were severely swollen, I just thought that maybe it was the flight got back to Vegas and it was even worse, so I went to Quick Care and was prescribed some water pills which helped some but as time progressed not only did they continue to swell but over a period of time my legs and thighs started to swell as well to the point that my joints were stiff and they hurt. After going to my doctor and being sent back and forth to a Heart Specialist a Vein Doctor, no one could give me a diagnoses as to why I was swelling so. June of 2016 I was in so much pain on my side as I drove myself to the emergency room and come to find out I had somehow developed PE (pulmonary embolism) as I had three blood clots in my chest and I could have died. Everything comes down to me having Lupus Nephritis, as I finally found a doctor that noticed that my urine had too much protein in it and she sent me to a Kidney Doctor, he said the same thing, I had a Kidney Biospy and it came back that I have Lupus Nephritis, this diagnoses came in June of this year. I am happy to finally know what has been wrong with me for the last two almost three years and I now have a great Lupus Doctor and Kidney Doctor that I see once a month and of course I take about five different medications and I get tired very easy but at least now I can maintain this disease and I know what the issue has been, I was diagnosed at 54 years old as what I have read it happens in women much younger than myself.
So just a warning to anyone to please take your health very seriously if you feel that something is not right with you just keep going until you get the right answers as you know your body.
Thanks for your story, I needed to hear this. I am 47, I have lupus diagnosed at 25 had a biopsy do to a bald spot in my hair…GOD is keeping me.
Hi Stephanie,
So glad you found it impactful! May God continue to keep you and bless you. Keep fighting!