I’m looking for that divine peace I had. Have you seen it?

After the initial shock of learning that I needed a kidney transplant wore off there was a calming sense that everything would work out – somehow, someway. That God had it all planned out up there. And that hasn’t changed, but as the kidney application went from my hands in to the hands of the transplant center – so went my peace. And to make matters worse, the transplant center lost my application temporarily. Turns out it was stuck to another patient’s application for about two weeks – with jelly, syrup or some other substance I guess. And I’m supposed to have confidence in these people to find me a vital organ, lol?

I wonder if I ever had this peace that I speak of – or maybe it was a conditional peace. I was talking up God big time and how the calm I felt was His doing – but now looking at the long, arduous road ahead of me I want to skip to the part where I have my brand spanking new kidney and I can get back to my life, not jump through the hoops it takes to get there. And when I say hoops, that’s not an exaggeration folks.

Who knew getting a kidney was like trying to get into Harvard?

First, your application goes to an intake coordinator. And as we discussed previously, they may or may not lose it for a couple of weeks. Then, after they’ve removed the doughnut filling or whatever they’ve devoured over your application, and make sure you have everything you were supposed to collect for them (doctor’s notes, insurance cards, medication dosages, etc.) then you’re assigned your own special patient coordinator who will oversee the whole process.  From there, your coordinator looks over you application (to go behind the intake coordinator, which obviously is very necessary…can you tell I’m not feeling this intake coordinator) to make sure everything is in place.  Then you’re sent to a finance workshop to discuss how you/your insurance is going to come up with the thousands of dollars to pay for it all. A conversation sure to raise your blood pressure.

After you’ve gotten the picture of how much debt you will incur, you’ll be evaluated. That’s right – the fun is not over. You’ll go through a two-day evaluation, complete with blood work (i.e. needles), and other assignments to make sure you’re compliant. Then the Patient Review Committee will decide if you get on the list. Yep, all that to get on the list. Although my sarcasm bleeds through these words, I don’t think it’s a bad idea to be screened like this. Organs are serious business and you don’t want to give an organ to someone who’s not going to care of it – but I don’t like to be evaluated on things that seems out of my control. I mean, if there was an essay section to the application I’d be in there, lol!My Dad suggested I get all my doctors to write letters of recommendation to get me a kidney.  Yeah, no comment.

And maybe that’s what all it comes down to. Control. When the application was in my care I made sure I saw every doctor I needed to see to get the proper approvals. I followed the application’s request to a T. I got the satisfaction and peace of mind that I was getting it done. But now, I am no longer in control. There’s nothing I can do to convince the committee I’m a good candidate.

So the revelation that I need to understand at a heart level, not just know it, but believe it, is that my transplant application, my health, my life, my present and my future are in the very capable hands of God. Why is it so hard to do this? I mean, I can’t go out and get my own kidney and put it in myself, lol. And certainly God has performed so many miracles in my life I should have no doubt. I have a coffee mug that a friend gave me as a present because I would always tell her I wanted peace.  On it is Isaiah 26:3: You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Let’s see if I can put this scripture into practice and experience the true peace that only God can give.